I’ve been feeling the urge…the NEED to write lately,
although even as I begin this I am quite unsure of what is going to come out. I
thought I’d just start and figure it out along the way, as this is probably
much more therapeutic for me than it is helpful for anyone else!
Those of you that know me would probably characterize me as
a pretty positive gal for the most part. Those of you who really know me probably won’t be so surprised by what I’m about to
say. Although yes, I am usually a pretty strong, positive, and hopeful person,
lately I have just been struggling to let those parts of me shine. I’ve been
crushing these positive things and hiding them away somewhere deep inside…afraid
to let them out for fear of incredible disappointment.
I’m not sure how I got here honestly, or why I’m here for that matter, but I can
tell you that one thing I know and believe with all of my heart, broken or not,
is that there is a reason for this. The story isn’t finished yet, and I have to
believe that whatever God has left to write will be for my good because I love Him (see Romans 8:28). I have to believe
that He is writing a story of redemption and grace and mercy; that when I look
back someday I will see His mighty hand at work in my heart and life, even (and
especially) when I found myself in the darker seasons of my life.
But here comes the hard part; how do I find hope and healing
when all my heart wants to do is shut down and sit silently in the darkness? It
seems there is a constant, nagging, negativity that whispers into my heart on a
daily basis that tells me nothing will ever change; that there is no point in
hoping or believing that it will. It is this voice that keeps me conflicted and
confused. Although I recognize it for what it is, somehow it is still so
difficult to quiet it; to tell it to take a hike and let my heart find the rest
and assurance that it so desperately needs in order to mend.
So here’s what I’ve figured out on this journey so far:
1. I have to
allow God into my heart if I want anything to change. I have to be honest with
Him about how I’m feeling and where I’m at, holding nothing back, if I can even
begin to hope for healing and
restoration to commence. I won’t get anywhere by holding back, even if what I’m
feeling is not so pretty. Even if I’m angry and disappointed and hopeless. He
already knows my heart whether I say it out loud or not, but He can’t fix what’s
broken if I won’t let Him have the pieces.
2. I have to allow my heart to lean on others for
support. I’m always up for helping and supporting someone else if I can, but
allowing others to be there for me often brings guilt (that I’m talking about
myself too much or dominating the conversation) and fears that I’m placing an unwarranted
burden on them when it’s not theirs to carry. Throughout my life, if I honestly
look back, I see that God has placed angels in my life when I needed them most
to help guide me and support me when things have been the hardest. He is doing
the same now, and each time I have picked up the phone in desperation, there
has been a voice at the other end of the line more than willing to love on me and encourage me as much as needed.
I’m learning that the most urgent, important need we all have is to love and be
loved; to be in relationship with one another. I know I am blessed to have hearts that listen without judgment and shoulders
to cry on when I most desperately need them.
3. This last thing I’m learning is quite possibly
the most difficult. If I want to find that sweet, positive, hopeful girl inside
of me again I have to take care of myself. I have to allow myself rest and time
to think and pray. Time to invest in my overall well-being. I need to go for
walks and play with my kids when the sun is shining. I need to make time to get
into the Word daily, giving my brokenness wholly to God and trusting Him to
make sense of it. I have to exercise regularly and eat and sleep well so that I
have energy each day to do these things. I have to admit, although it seems
somewhat daunting, I feel a little more positive just thinking about how I’ll
feel when I’m doing these things each day. Now that I have a minute to breathe,
I know I need to take it, rather than looking for something else to fill the
empty space.
I know I have this power inside of
me to do and accomplish anything I set my mind and heart to. If I want these
things, they are most certainly within my reach. I simply have to make the
choice to reach for them. I have an amazing support system, people who love me
with their whole hearts, self-awareness and insight, and most importantly, a
God that never stops loving me no matter what. Even when it’s hard, I’m making
the choice right now to try and remember these things and finally make my way
back to who I know I am at my core. Thank you to my precious friends, my chosen
family, for walking with me in this life, and for loving me right where I am,
no matter where than happens to be.
