On Finding Hope in the Darkness

        I’ve been feeling the urge…the NEED to write lately, although even as I begin this I am quite unsure of what is going to come out. I thought I’d just start and figure it out along the way, as this is probably much more therapeutic for me than it is helpful for anyone else!

       Those of you that know me would probably characterize me as a pretty positive gal for the most part. Those of you who really know me probably won’t be so surprised by what I’m about to say. Although yes, I am usually a pretty strong, positive, and hopeful person, lately I have just been struggling to let those parts of me shine. I’ve been crushing these positive things and hiding them away somewhere deep inside…afraid to let them out for fear of incredible disappointment.

       I’m not sure how I got here honestly, or why I’m here for that matter, but I can tell you that one thing I know and believe with all of my heart, broken or not, is that there is a reason for this. The story isn’t finished yet, and I have to believe that whatever God has left to write will be for my good because I love Him (see Romans 8:28). I have to believe that He is writing a story of redemption and grace and mercy; that when I look back someday I will see His mighty hand at work in my heart and life, even (and especially) when I found myself in the darker seasons of my life.

       But here comes the hard part; how do I find hope and healing when all my heart wants to do is shut down and sit silently in the darkness? It seems there is a constant, nagging, negativity that whispers into my heart on a daily basis that tells me nothing will ever change; that there is no point in hoping or believing that it will. It is this voice that keeps me conflicted and confused. Although I recognize it for what it is, somehow it is still so difficult to quiet it; to tell it to take a hike and let my heart find the rest and assurance that it so desperately needs in order to mend.

So here’s what I’ve figured out on this journey so far:

     1.  I have to allow God into my heart if I want anything to change. I have to be honest with Him about how I’m feeling and where I’m at, holding nothing back, if I can even begin to hope for healing and restoration to commence. I won’t get anywhere by holding back, even if what I’m feeling is not so pretty. Even if I’m angry and disappointed and hopeless. He already knows my heart whether I say it out loud or not, but He can’t fix what’s broken if I won’t let Him have the pieces.

      2.  I have to allow my heart to lean on others for support. I’m always up for helping and supporting someone else if I can, but allowing others to be there for me often brings guilt (that I’m talking about myself too much or dominating the conversation) and fears that I’m placing an unwarranted burden on them when it’s not theirs to carry. Throughout my life, if I honestly look back, I see that God has placed angels in my life when I needed them most to help guide me and support me when things have been the hardest. He is doing the same now, and each time I have picked up the phone in desperation, there has been a voice at the other end of the line more than willing to love on me and encourage me as much as needed. I’m learning that the most urgent, important need we all have is to love and be loved; to be in relationship with one another. I know I am blessed to have hearts that listen without judgment and shoulders to cry on when I most desperately need them.

       3. This last thing I’m learning is quite possibly the most difficult. If I want to find that sweet, positive, hopeful girl inside of me again I have to take care of myself. I have to allow myself rest and time to think and pray. Time to invest in my overall well-being. I need to go for walks and play with my kids when the sun is shining. I need to make time to get into the Word daily, giving my brokenness wholly to God and trusting Him to make sense of it. I have to exercise regularly and eat and sleep well so that I have energy each day to do these things. I have to admit, although it seems somewhat daunting, I feel a little more positive just thinking about how I’ll feel when I’m doing these things each day. Now that I have a minute to breathe, I know I need to take it, rather than looking for something else to fill the empty space.

            I know I have this power inside of me to do and accomplish anything I set my mind and heart to. If I want these things, they are most certainly within my reach. I simply have to make the choice to reach for them. I have an amazing support system, people who love me with their whole hearts, self-awareness and insight, and most importantly, a God that never stops loving me no matter what. Even when it’s hard, I’m making the choice right now to try and remember these things and finally make my way back to who I know I am at my core. Thank you to my precious friends, my chosen family, for walking with me in this life, and for loving me right where I am, no matter where than happens to be. 

On Sisters and Soulmates

          Eleven years ago this Thanksgiving, I brought a girl that barely knew me home for the holidays. We were in the Air Force together, and we had just found out that we would both be stationed in Georgia for our first duty assignment. Her friends were all going to Oklahoma, so she wasn't feeling super positive about the move, but I remember telling her in my (then) very deep southern accent that God had a plan, and that this would be a good thing. She didn't quite know what to think of me and my optimism at the time, and as we traveled deep into the Alabama wilderness on our first adventure of many to come, she experienced a dead raccoon that my PawPaw had killed just before we arrived, cotton all over the side of the roads, and the unique and pungent smell of a paper mill close by. She became a part of my family that day, eleven years ago, and we have been inseparable ever since. 

          We moved into an apartment together when both of our engagements fell through. We helped each other through the heartache of broken relationships with wine, girl talk, lots of chocolate, and most importantly with Jesus. When one of us was down, the other was there to do the heavy lifting for us both. And that's the way it's been ever since. At first I acted as her big sister. I was her protector in a way (which she totally hated, by the way), and as the years passed by, our roles evened out, and we became one another's protectors. We got to know one another's families, and we truly became sisters at heart. The friendship we forged goes beyond just that...she is my family; someone God brought into my life to walk with me through it all, and I am beyond blessed to know her and call her my sister. 

          She stood beside me when I married my sweet husband, and I was blessed to stand beside her at her wedding. We even shared the dress. :) When her precious son was born, I was there to watch him come into this world. When mine was born, she returned the favor by stroking my hair, bringing me ice chips, and encouraging me through 23 hours of labor. She went with me to meet my dad for the first time ever, and traveled with me to meet the rest of my entire family later on. We have traveled to Africa and loved on orphans together, we have struggled together through earning degrees in psychology and religion, child-rearing challenges, being godly wives when being godly is difficult, and and I know He hasn't finished with His plan for us yet. 

          This woman gets me on a level that no one but Jesus does. I can look at her and without saying a word she knows what I'm thinking. Our friendship is rare and is often hard to grasp, and we both know how very lucky we are to have found one another in this life. I know in the end we will be blue haired old ladies side by side on a porch or snuggled on a couch while our husbands do whatever husbands do. And yes, I know that probably sounds weird, but that's because there are so few things in this world that are constant and true, especially when it comes to friendship. It's okay that people don't get us. We're okay with that, because at the end of the day we get each other; we know He brought us together, and we will always have that. 

          When we think of soulmates we often think of significant others, but I think that soulmates can come in all kinds of forms. The term is defined by Merriam-Webster as "a close friend who completely understands you" and " a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs." I'm so incredibly blessed to have found a soulmate in my sister. She is a joy to love, and as we celebrate 11 years of friendship, I celebrate her sweet heart; that she found room in it for me, and that we will be family forever, come what may.

On Parenting and Being the Kind of Mom God Wants Me to Be

          Sometimes I am quite literally overwhelmed with love for my children and gratitude to God for lending them to me for a while. They are bright and beautiful, strong and healthy, and they make me laugh every day like no one else! How could I ever forget, even for a moment, how incredibly amazing they are? Unfortunately, sometimes when I really examine my heart, I find that I have taken my many, many blessings for granted, and that is just not okay. 

          As I lay in bed last night talking with my husband, I wanted to share with him what had been on my heart. Social media is a large part my connection to the outside world each day, and lately my heart has been burdened for the many loving parents whose children struggle to survive each day. I cannot imagine as a parent what it must be like to see your children fight for their lives, not knowing what tomorrow will hold, or watching a healthy child become ill after an accident or due to a disease that is incurable. I have so very, very much to be thankful for, and because this life is so unpredictable; because they could be with me today, and be gone or forever changed tomorrow, I have to live each day with them to the fullest, loving them as deeply as I possibly can. I cannot afford even a moment in which I fail to show them how much they are loved and how very wonderful I think they are. 

          I know that I am human. I know that there are times in which my five year old asks for candy at inopportune times and proceeds to throw a knock-down, drag-out fit on the floor because I tell him no. There are times when tasks such as going to the grocery store or folding laundry are nearly impossible and seriously test my sanity. I sometimes get frustrated. I sometimes lose my patience. And sometimes, more often than I'd like to admit, I catch myself outwardly showing this frustration and lack of patience in a way that is not productive and  not as firm-but-loving as I would like. 

         Sometimes I just have to reflect on whether or not I am becoming the kind of parent God has called me to be. Am I honestly doing my best to "train them up in the way that they should go" (Proverbs 22:6)? What my boys learn from my husband and I, and their brief time here at home is pivotal in determining the men they will become. What kind of husbands will they be? What kind of fathers? What will marriage look like to them? Will they learn to show grace and mercy, even when their patience is tried? As parents, we have a huge and incredibly important task at hand. God has given us these precious children to love and to guide and teach with love and grace, just as he loves and guides and teaches us in the same way. Am I doing my best? Honestly? The truthful answer is not always. And that needs to change. 

          I can't afford to take for granted even a moment with these amazing boys. Tomorrow is not promised, and that means that today, I have to ask God to give me more of Him and less of me so that I can be the kind of parent that I know he has called me to be. I don't want even the briefest of times to pass by in which they fail to see me as a reflection of God's love for them. That is a monumental task, believe me, I'm aware, but I think it just has to start with me waking up every day and choosing to give myself over to God. I cannot be an example of grace without first seeking the grace He offers to me. John 3:30 says, "He must become greater, I must become less" (NIV). This is my daily task. I owe those precious, amazing blessings I call my kids the very best version of me as their mom. They are only with me for a while, and I want that time to be full of joy and love, wise lessons, and wonderful memories. 

On Grass Seed and Grandfathers...

I was walking through Home Depot the other morning and I came upon an elderly man standing in front of a row of grass seed. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I stopped and watched him for a moment, as he stood there perplexed; his hands shaking as he reached out and looked at various bags, shaking his head in indecision before returning his hand to his hip and appearing to be lost in thought as he brooded over the project at hand. I felt my eyes begin to well up with tears and I quickly rushed past him, reminding myself to breathe deeply so that I wouldn’t end up a bawling mess in the middle of Home Depot (because what poor Home Depot worker wants to deal with that???) and I went about my business, but the train of thought had nevertheless begun its journey, and it seems that it must continue until I thoroughly process these feelings, and thus, here I am. You see, this precious old man that I came upon in the home improvement store reminded me sorely of my own grandfather, with whom I grew up and knew as my own father for most of my life. He was big and strong, early to rise, and always busy doing something. And in perhaps the biggest similarity to this stranger that I observed in the store, he was ever trying to grow grass in our front yard to no avail. Through the tears that did come later, I just had to smile.

My grandfather will be eighty-five this year, and he was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t get to talk to him often, but his decline seemed to come so quickly, and even hundreds of miles away it’s hard to swallow. My heart aches when I remember the man who invented projects just to stay busy; who was always building or growing something in the backyard. He was the slayer of all things creepy and crawly, the chauffeur of family trips, the builder of warm fires on chilly winter mornings, the bearer of shoulders that made children feel on top of the world, and the keeper of a heart that seemed hard on the outside but that on the inside was filled with so much love and compassion that he would give you the world, including the shirt off of his own back if you truly needed it.

He loved me as his own. He still does. My grandmother says he often asks when my husband and I are coming, or he thinks we have been there recently, and I am glad to know that he is thinking of us. He loves my boys too, and I am so incredibly happy that I have been able to capture such beautiful moments with them over the years. Although my heart hurts that life is finite, that the time is approaching all too quickly that I will have to say goodbye, I count myself beyond blessed to have been loved and taken care of by this man and his precious wife. They are truly my heroes in this life, and to them I owe it all.

On Giving Up Facebook for Lent...

A couple of weeks ago, my sweet friend Jenny posted this on her wall:

"To all my facebook friends starting on Feb 16th which is Ash Wednesday I will be deactivating my page for Lent.

Lent is the Christian season of preparation before Easter. In Western Christianity, Ash Wednesday marks the first day, or the start of the season of Lent, which begins 40 days prior to Easter (Sundays are not included in the count).

Lent is a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline. The purpose is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ - his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial and resurrection.

With that being said to all my facebook friends, I will be back but I think this will be good for me. I know many of you have said you love seeing pictures of the boys and I appreciate that. I think this journey will be good for me."

 

When I read this I felt a knot in my stomach...an undeniable stirring that I tried in vain to ignore. I had this feeling, as I had for a while at that point, that God was suggesting that this was something that I too should address in my own life, but give up Facebook for FORTY DAYS??? COMPLETELY??? I'm a stay at home mom, and it is quite literally my window to the world...I'm a social butterfly, and without it I would feel so isolated, and wouldn't that be worse for me??? I tried to rationalize it in every way possible, but as I continued to feel this stirring, and to see posts about Lent, I knew deep down what God was asking me to do.

 

Facebook has been wonderful, and I love that it is such a great way to stay in touch with the people in my life, but if I'm honest, it has really kind-of taken over my life. It is the first thing I do every  morning while drinking my coffee, and it preoccupies me throughout the day, keeping me from doing many other things that I really SHOULD be doing, like school and house work. I just have this insatiable need for connection, and I am seeking it through my computer, rather than through my time in the presence of God and my family, and that needs to change. Like, yesterday.

 

So, I say all of that to say this: I will officially be giving up social networking for Lent. This will be extremely difficult for me, I know, but as Jenny said, I really do feel like this will be good for me holistically. There is so much going on in my life right now, and I am really feeling God calling me to become more disciplined in my prayer life and in other areas that require more attention than I have been giving them. Facebook has been my greatest distraction, and dare I even suggest, borderline addiction, and I plan to take this break to reprioritize my life and heart.

 

While I know you all will greatly miss my witty charm and pictures of my ridiculously adorable children, take comfort in knowing that I will return after Easter; hopefully with a little more self-control, and with my heart in a better place. If anyone would like to get in touch with me while I'm away, my email address is genvanpelt@yahoo.com! Love you all, and I will see you after Lent!

 

On Giving it to God...

      Is it just me, or does everyone sometimes wish they could have a do-over in life? I know what I'm supposed to say...that my past has made me who I am and that God is going to use it for His glory to help others, but sometimes I just want to say out loud that although it has made me who I am and although it will allow me to help people in ways that I would not otherwise be able to, it just sucks that bad things happen at all. Sometimes I just want to feel sorry for myself for a moment, and ruminate on the hand I've been dealt in life and think about the ways I would change it if I could. Not productive at all, believe me, I know, but sometimes it's just a matter of processing for me, and it is in those times that I know the only way I will be able to feel any relief at all is if I somehow find a way to just give it to God. It's much too big for me to handle on my own.
      My favorite Bible verse is John 16:33, which says, "I have told you all of this so that you may have peace in me. Here on Earth, you will have many trials and sorrows, but take heart, because I have overcome the world." I was led to that verse in one of the difficult times in my life, and I refer to it often, especially when I'm feeling the way I am now. The truth is that we live in a fallen world, and that we will inevitably hurt and be hurt in this life. It's not fair, it stinks, and if I choose to dwell on it too long I find myself discouraged and broken, unable to truly move forward. But what I find peace in are the blessings God has given me in my husband and children, and the wonderful, amazing people He has brought into my life to traverse this world with me as my chosen family, my friends.
      I give it to Him. I ask Him to take a past and circumstances that I can do nothing about and to fill me up with love and appreciation for what I do have in my life. And I think about Heaven, and how when I die, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All of these things are gone forever." (Rev. 21:4) And that gives me hope. It doesn't matter what this world throws my way, I have Him, and nothing, nothing can take that from me.
      So although I have my moments that I allow my anger to surface at injustices that I, my loved ones, and even strangers have faced in this life, I choose to look up, not back. He offers me unconditional love in relationship with Him, and you know what? No matter what happens or has happened in the past, I know I have His amazing love and grace that will see me through anything, and for me, that is enough.

On Germany, an Internship, and Worrying About EVERYTHING

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

        I really needed this this morning. I'm not sure why, or from where exactly it comes, but I have such a tendency to worry about EVERYTHING. With such a big move rapidly approaching I find myself quite literally in panic mode, completely incapable of concentrating on one particular thing and instead flittering from one gigantic issue to another, anxiety steadily increasing as none of them seem to find resolve (or at least the resolve I think they should find). For those of you who don't know, we are moving to Germany in late July for a four to five year assignment. Although we are very excited about this new chapter in our lives, there are about a billion things on our to-do list that must be accoplished before we leave the country, and it seems that there is simply not enough time in which to tackle them all.

       Of chief concern to me at the moment are my education endeavors. When I was twenty-five I felt the Lord calling me to the field of counseling, and since I have begun my training in the field I have been reassured each step of the way that this is where He wants me. I have always known I wanted to help those who are hurting, and now I know that this is the path He means for me to take in doing so, which is both incredibly exciting and somewhat terrifying at the same time. It's terrifying because I know that I am but a vessel. It is not my own knowledge that does the true healing of hearts, but His divine intervention working through me, which means that I will not be effective unless I remain close to my Creator. I must be disciplined and steadfast in my faith and my studies in order for me to be the vessel He intended when He called me to this position of helping the broken hearted. No pressure, right? :)

       When we found out we would be moving overseas I knew I had to quickly finish my graduate degree if I hoped to work during our four or five year stay in Germany. I had hoped to find an internship in the mental health clinic on base there but every person I spoke with politely explained to me that they simply did not have the resources to support an intern, and thus it seemed out of the question. Changing mental tracks, I decided that I would simply rearrange my schedule and find a way to finish my internship before leaving the country, and until yesterday that was still my plan. I pushed through all of my core classes as quickly as possible so that I would be eligible for an internship this summer, and spent most of the day yesterday calling therapists and inquiring about opportunities they might have and fretting about full time childcare for my two boys. When my husband came home we sat down and I literally felt sick to my stomach at this point, filled with anxiety over how in the world I was actually going to get this accomplished. On one hand things looked really positive, (one therapist had even expressed interest in paying me to be her intern!) but on the other hand, when we really sat down and discussed the logistics, the timing just didn't work out. There was just no way that I could accomplish a 600 hour internship in less than one semester when we would be simultaneously preparing our family for an overseas move.

       I was beyond disappointed. I still felt nauseous, maybe even more so than before. I felt my eyes well up with tears of frustration because I've worked so hard for this for so long. I had a plan. But that's just it; I had a plan. I thought I knew what was best for my family. I worked so hard to earn these degrees not just because I feel it's my calling, but for them so I could help my husband take care of us, to put us in a better place financially, and yesterday it just seemed like I hit a wall. Leaving for another country with everything complete but my internship, with no license, and taking a huge chance that I may not be able to work or contribute to our finances for the next four or five years felt so defeating. And to be honest, it still kind-of does. But I spent some time this morning trying to give it to God, like I know I'm supposed to. Being the worrier I am, it's always so much easier said than done. But that's when I realized that all of this was my plan for my life. I never stopped to wonder what God's plan might be, or consider that maybe, just maybe He knows better what my family needs than I do.

     I know in my heart that my first priority is supporting my husband in this move and in his career change, not pursuing my own career at the moment. This is a choice I made when I decided to be a stay at home mom and wife, and I have loved every minute of this life I have been blessed with. I know that God has called me to the field of counseling, and I know that when the time is right that He will open the right doors for me to begin my career. For now, I will simply try not to worry, trusting that He knows what He's doing and that His timing is always better than my own. I will try to take my anxieties to Him in prayer as they arise, and be thankful for what I have, allowing myself to live in the moment, rather than spending so much of my time worrying over tomorrow. To be honest, I think I feel more peaceful already. :)