"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7
I really needed this this morning. I'm not sure why, or from where exactly it comes, but I have such a tendency to worry about EVERYTHING. With such a big move rapidly approaching I find myself quite literally in panic mode, completely incapable of concentrating on one particular thing and instead flittering from one gigantic issue to another, anxiety steadily increasing as none of them seem to find resolve (or at least the resolve I think they should find). For those of you who don't know, we are moving to Germany in late July for a four to five year assignment. Although we are very excited about this new chapter in our lives, there are about a billion things on our to-do list that must be accoplished before we leave the country, and it seems that there is simply not enough time in which to tackle them all.
Of chief concern to me at the moment are my education endeavors. When I was twenty-five I felt the Lord calling me to the field of counseling, and since I have begun my training in the field I have been reassured each step of the way that this is where He wants me. I have always known I wanted to help those who are hurting, and now I know that this is the path He means for me to take in doing so, which is both incredibly exciting and somewhat terrifying at the same time. It's terrifying because I know that I am but a vessel. It is not my own knowledge that does the true healing of hearts, but His divine intervention working through me, which means that I will not be effective unless I remain close to my Creator. I must be disciplined and steadfast in my faith and my studies in order for me to be the vessel He intended when He called me to this position of helping the broken hearted. No pressure, right? :)
When we found out we would be moving overseas I knew I had to quickly finish my graduate degree if I hoped to work during our four or five year stay in Germany. I had hoped to find an internship in the mental health clinic on base there but every person I spoke with politely explained to me that they simply did not have the resources to support an intern, and thus it seemed out of the question. Changing mental tracks, I decided that I would simply rearrange my schedule and find a way to finish my internship before leaving the country, and until yesterday that was still my plan. I pushed through all of my core classes as quickly as possible so that I would be eligible for an internship this summer, and spent most of the day yesterday calling therapists and inquiring about opportunities they might have and fretting about full time childcare for my two boys. When my husband came home we sat down and I literally felt sick to my stomach at this point, filled with anxiety over how in the world I was actually going to get this accomplished. On one hand things looked really positive, (one therapist had even expressed interest in paying me to be her intern!) but on the other hand, when we really sat down and discussed the logistics, the timing just didn't work out. There was just no way that I could accomplish a 600 hour internship in less than one semester when we would be simultaneously preparing our family for an overseas move.
I was beyond disappointed. I still felt nauseous, maybe even more so than before. I felt my eyes well up with tears of frustration because I've worked so hard for this for so long. I had a plan. But that's just it; I had a plan. I thought I knew what was best for my family. I worked so hard to earn these degrees not just because I feel it's my calling, but for them so I could help my husband take care of us, to put us in a better place financially, and yesterday it just seemed like I hit a wall. Leaving for another country with everything complete but my internship, with no license, and taking a huge chance that I may not be able to work or contribute to our finances for the next four or five years felt so defeating. And to be honest, it still kind-of does. But I spent some time this morning trying to give it to God, like I know I'm supposed to. Being the worrier I am, it's always so much easier said than done. But that's when I realized that all of this was my plan for my life. I never stopped to wonder what God's plan might be, or consider that maybe, just maybe He knows better what my family needs than I do.
I know in my heart that my first priority is supporting my husband in this move and in his career change, not pursuing my own career at the moment. This is a choice I made when I decided to be a stay at home mom and wife, and I have loved every minute of this life I have been blessed with. I know that God has called me to the field of counseling, and I know that when the time is right that He will open the right doors for me to begin my career. For now, I will simply try not to worry, trusting that He knows what He's doing and that His timing is always better than my own. I will try to take my anxieties to Him in prayer as they arise, and be thankful for what I have, allowing myself to live in the moment, rather than spending so much of my time worrying over tomorrow. To be honest, I think I feel more peaceful already. :)
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